Whisper For The Ball?
experience By: Carl Goodwin

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American referees are s###e. Anyway, it's 0-0. The ball's in the air. And it's mine. I've got my eye on it, an elbow out and a knee up ready. With a roar of "GOODY'S" (that's me) I've dragged my flab to the maximum six inches into the air and met the ball full on without a challenge. Great.
The whistle blows. The following conversation ensues:

   Me:  "What's that for, ref?"
   Ref: "Ungentlemanly conduct."
   Me:  "What did I do?"
   Ref: "You're shouting too loud."
   Me:  "What?!"
   Ref: "Shouting too loud and scaring the other players" *
   Me:   Laughter
   Ref: "You can laugh, but if you do it again you're in the book"
   Me:  "Because I shouted too loud"
   Ref: "Yes"
   Me:  "OK, so can you please tell me how I should shout?"
   Ref: "Don't shout! Why do you need to shout?"
   Me:  "Well if I'm up in the air I want to call my team-mates off"
   Ref: "But there wasn't anyone near you"
   Me:  "How the f##k do I know- I'm looking at the ball. What am I supposed
        "to do - use sonar?**"
   Ref: "I don't care... just don't do it again"

A ref barely alive. We could not rebuild him. There was later a fight in the game during which the linesman called us British players 'a disgrace'.
Key to terms:
* Other players:
Eleven of the dirtiest bleeders ever to pull on a pair of footy boots. It's debatable whether a knife-wielding lunatic would have scared them, never mind a balding mid-air scouser.
**Sonar:
Spooky ability to see out of one's a###hole. Kenny Dalglish had this.